Urgent Telegram from the AMERICAN PEOPLE, from sea to shining sea:
To the Honorable Commanding Attorney General, of the Department of Justice, Army of the Potomac:
Greetings from, WE THE PEOPLE:
To the Honorable Attorney General, you and you alone now command a great host, that you have trained with the utmost care, to have become the greatest Department of Justice, Grand Prosecutorial Army of the Potomac, this democratic country, conceived in liberty, has ever produced. Forged in adversity, praised in victory, tempered in defeat, is now the last line of defense for the democratic theory that propels this nation, in its Capitol on the banks of the blessed Potomac River. Over the past six years the authoritarian enemy of our democracy has conquered much territory, committed many heinous crimes (conspiracy, sedition, treason, espionage, fraud and death), attacked the Capitol in force, and now has surrounded our democratic Government and put it under siege. As his money flows, his propaganda grows, his grip tightens.
But, to date we hear nothing from our Commander!? The condition of the country is grave. We must wonder when the Department of Justice, Grand Prosecutorial Army of the Potomac, will strike its bivouac from its fortifications, and march forth? Where is our righteous Army of the Potomac? In battle line upon what field? Which valley? What mountain? Wondering in the Wilderness?
Now, the hour has become late, the sun has been enveloped in the usurper’s clouds of darkness, the light dims ominously, the temperature drops, dust rises, the bare trees groan against an angry sky. The birds are silent, the omen approaches … an evil specter stalks us. A plague of armed pawns crawls in their trenches, hides in their battlements, ready for ambush. Foreign agents give aid, comfort and misinformation to his gullible masses. Anarchy is wild upon the land. The very heart of our democracy is in fear.
Our sacred Capitol has been attacked and sacked. The casualties are freedom, democracy, hope and the dead. Will the bones of the fallen bleach in the fury of the enemy? The battle plans of your Army must be finished. The hour is late. For the Department of Justice, Grand Army of the Potomac, its Council of War must now be adjourned. The Standards of the Patriots are to be removed from their cases and proudly unfurled. The Commanders guarded at their stations. The battalions at the ready in line of battle, the artillery in waiting with shot and cannister. Lastly before the charge, the red dragon battle flags are to be uncased, to snap their deadly sound into the wind upon the enemy. So that they may hear the first sound of their defeat.
ACCOUNTABILITY. JUSTICE. NO MERCY. NONE. Let the battle cry be heard around the world. Meet the evil host head on. The first clash of your armor will be the first sound of our victory. We will be honored that your legions fight for us.
Thus, the time has come for you to lead that Department of Justice, Grand Army of the Potomac, out of their quarters and upon the bloody battlefield. It is a time of reckoning as the Army marches into its greatest contest, hand in hand with the Almighty, into the valley of the shadow to smite the bloated, vile usurper and his pawns. To do or die, and in victory or defeat, to determine whether this democratic nation, or any nation so conceived in liberty, shall not perish from this earth.
This Department of Justice, Grand Army of the Potomac, must now either fight, “Of the People, By the People, and For the People”, or run away. The anarchy, lying, disinformation, espionage, sedition and treason against our democracy that has defiled the banks of our blessed Potomac River for so long, MUST BE STOPPED.
We anticipate your immediate counterattack, IN FORCE. Take the fight to the skulking enemy. NO MORE DELAYS! And NO SPECIAL COUNSEL! Be no more a victim of his devious tactics. Your troops are the best trained and prepared that have ever been put forth in battle in this country. ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK!! Nothing but Unconditional Accountability and Surrender of the traitorous enemy. LOCK HIM UP WITH HIS CRIMINAL GANG! Our telegram internet line is open, and awaits your sign, the loud roar of battle, and ‘THE INDICTMENTS THAT WILL BE HEARD AROUND THE WORLD’.
In closing, however, if the Commanding Attorney General still has no immediate plans to put his mighty host, the Department of Justice, Grand Prosecutorial Army of the Potomac, immediately in the field against the bloated usurper, then WE THE PEOPLE would like to borrow it for a time.
Your obedient servants,
WE THE PEOPLE
(thanks to Abraham Lincoln and Edwin M Stanton, 1862-3, richly paraphrased)
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